I hate bad grammar. I am a user of multiple online message boards and nothing irritates me more than how poorly people use the English language. I am not perfect and I acknowledge that I make mistakes. However, some people should go back to school. Here are some grammar errors that make me angry:

1. THEIR, THERE AND THEY’RE. These are three different words with three distinct meanings. Sure, they are homonyms, but that doesn’t mean that people should ignore the fact that the next sentence in this paragraph is disgraceful. “There going to the proctologist over their on 10th street to talk about they’re itchy anus.”

2. ARE AND OUR. This guy I know always talks to me online and says things like, “Are team is going to win tonight!!” As soon as I see this I end the conversation.

3. AN BEFORE HISTORIC. In modern English we pronounce the “H” in historic. Therefore, when we talk about history, we should be saying “a historic event”. It drives me crazy when national publications have headlines that say, “TODAY, AN HISTORIC EVENT TOOK PLACE”. Maybe centuries ago this was correct. English people used to probably refer to the king as Enry the 8th. However, we do not talk like this anymore. The language has evolved for the better. Nobody would ever say, “I signed up for AN HISTORY CLASS today. I also want to wish you AN HAPPY HOLIDAYS!”

4. YOUR AND YOU’RE. This is similar to the first example but it makes me just as mad.

5. RUN ON SENTENCES. You know what is really annoying well let me tell you what is really annoying I think it sucks when people do not know how to add periods and commas to what they type online and it is just so bad and makes me so mad and their sentences are all strung together incoherently and it makes me want to blow them up.

Rant over.

One afternoon many years ago, my roommate came into my room and said, “Dude, wanna go to the theater and watch a movie called The Aristocrats?”

“What is is about?” said I.

“It is about this joke that everybody in Hollywood tells and a bunch of different comedians tell the joke,” he answered.

My first reaction was that this movie sounded terrible. However, I had nothing else to so I agreed to go. Boy am I glad I decided to go because it was one of the funniest and most offensive movies I have ever seen.

My roommate was right about the movie. The Aristocrats is a joke that has the same beginning and the same ending. The beginning is that a family goes into an agent’s office so they can show the agent their act and hopefully become famous. The ending is that the agent says, “What do you call your act?” One member of the family responds by telling him that their act is called the Aristocrats.

It doesn’t sound funny, but the middle of the joke is different every time depending on who tells it and the middle is the funny part. So many great comedians tell the joke inthe movie and it is just insanely funny. Here are some of the best deliveries of the joke.

BOB SAGET

Offensive humor is fantastic. Especially when the person who is uttering offensive humor used to be famous for being a TV dad on a wholesome family sitcom like Full House. Danny Tanner was such a dork. If Uncle Jessie wasn’t kickin’ it in the full house, those girls would have grown up miserable. Bob Saget was also well known for his stint on America’s Funniest Home Videos. He used to do the worst voices ever over all the videos and he was not funny at all. However, Mr. Saget has grown up and he is hilarious now. Here is his delivery of THE ARISTOCRATS below. It is very long, vulgar, offensive and hilarious.

GILBERT GOTTFRIED

The comedian with the world’s most obnoxious voice ever does a pretty good rendition of the Aristocrats. This one was a lot more well prepared than Saget’s rendition but almost more offensive.

SOUTH PARK:

This is the funniest offensive movie I have ever seen. It also features renditions of the joke by Drew Carey, Jason Alexander, Robin Williams, Andy Dick, George Carlin, Whoopi Golberg, Howie Mandel, Sara Silverman and more.

The reason why Ryan Matthew Cohn is so cool is because of his insanely cool collection of crazy things. Ryan is on the show Oddities on Science Channel/Discovery Channel. It is one of my favorite shows because I can relate so much to the odd items that are in their shop. Ryan is a “Jack Of Many Trades”. One of the coolest things that he does is articulate skeletons. He also does a lot of different things with human skulls to make artful preparations that are really cool.

Ryan Matthew Cohn in his NYC apartment with his collection.

I also collect odd and interesting things like Ryan does, but I do not have such an extensive collection as he does. I am pretty proud of some of the items I have acquired. However, Ryan has things that should only be in museums. He has a blog where he posts photos of his collection. He has dozens of human skulls, interesting taxidermy items, human mummified parts (even a head which he posted just yesterday) and wet specimens of animals in jars.

It must be nice being on TV because everybody would want you to have their cool item. He has so much access to cool stuff. I am pretty jealous. Here is a picture of a small part of his collection.

CLICK TO ENLARGE. Dear Ryan, please mail me the following items from this picture of your collection: Taxidermy turtle and penguin, hippo skull, human skeletons and some of your skulls

His collection is pretty varied and a lot of it is even too far out there for my own personal collection (humans in jars, monkey heads) but I still find it fascinating.

http://ryanmatthewcohn.tumblr.com/

Who is this guy?  What is he all about?  I have had this picture for years and I have always been fascinated by it. Is it a photoshop manipulation?  Is it a strangely deformed man?  Is it a woman?  WHAT AND WHO IS IT?  I must know. This is the best picture on the internet.  If you have the answer, I would love to hear from you.

1. The teeth are amazing. This person must be crossed with a shark to have that many rows of razor sharp teeth.

2. Why is the neck so lumpy?

3. Why is the left shoulder so high?

4. Why does the nose look like an elbow?

5. Those eyes are so weird.

6. That is the most pronounced brow ridge I have ever seen.

7. That is the biggest smile of all time. Despite so many deformities, this is one happy person.

WHO IS THIS AMAZING MAN OR WOMAN? IF THIS IS YOU, WE MUST BECOME BEST FRIENDS IMMEDIATELY.

In the last week, I happened to PVR two shows which feature objectophilia, also known as objectum sexuality. Quite simply, objectum sexuality is when somebody is in love with an inanimate object. This has got to be one of the most cretinous things I have ever seen in my lifetime.

This dude's car is his boyfriend. He makes out with it, has sex with it, and actually feels bad when he goes on a date with a real person.

On National Geographic Taboo, two objectum sexuals were featured. One was this dude who is in love with his car. He has a Volkswagen Beetle that he has named Vanilla and he has sex with his car in his own twisted way. The other person is an American lady who moved to Germany so that she could start a love affair with the Berlin wall. She sleeps with little models that she made of the wall. She leans on the wall and strokes it gently. She even mentioned that she has sex with the wall but thankfully, she didn’t give details.

The other show that features one of these nutjobs was My Strange Addiction on TLC. The show mostly features people who are addicted to strange things like eating cat food, snorting baby powder or eating the foam out of couches. This time, it features this dude who was in a very committed sexual relationship with his car. His roommate was worried about him and his Dad probably thinks that he is crazy. The dude will actually lay under the front of the car and make out with the bumper. He mentioned on the show that he tried having a relationship with a human but felt like he was not being true to his relationship with his car.

At first I thought that this was too outrageous to be real, but if you google it, it is real. There is actually a pretty major website in support of this type of sexuality located at http://www.objectum-sexuality.org. The site was started be a lady named Erika Eiffel who, you guessed it, is married to the Eiffel Tower in Paris.

Now, I want to go back to the lady that Taboo featured who is in love with the Berlin Wall. She is actually none other than Erika Eiffel.

She is married to the Eiffel Tower. She is also sane.

I feel bad for the Eiffel Tower. Erika is cheating on him with the Berlin Wall. In my opinion, the Eiffel Tower has way more to offer than the Wall. It is phallic, it is hard as steel and it is French. Who needs a crumbling relic of the cold war?